On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
