This dress was meant to end up on your floor
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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