I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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