I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just found puke in my bra..
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
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Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
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Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"