I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
