I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
