bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
