Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
