you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
