is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I stole a fireplace last night.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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