i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Randomize
