everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
