i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
be right there i have to get my cape
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
