my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first