we're chasing vodka with high fives
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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