Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
