Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
