He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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