I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
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