My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
