it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
