So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
