Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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