You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
