you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
