your thong is hanging out like whoa
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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