I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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