you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
