i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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