I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
