Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
