i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
