What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
