so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
