I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
