it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
