then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
