when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
