My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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