and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
