Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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