What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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