My liver just broke up with me...
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
