i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
ok first of all what the fuck
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