I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I'm too high and old for this...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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