he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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