put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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