I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
