Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
