he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
