My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
