Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
