Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
