Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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