theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
