I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
