non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
