exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
