VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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