Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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