i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
