I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
