For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
